


The Abyss Gazes Back

by frogslay



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Dreams, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-04
Updated: 2013-03-04
Packaged: 2017-12-04 06:49:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,464
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/707791
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/frogslay/pseuds/frogslay
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What would Killua's dreams be like. My take on a dream he may have had while being tortured by his brother. Rated teen for character death.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Abyss Gazes Back

"He who fights with monsters might take care lest he thereby become a monster. And if you gaze for long into the abyss, the abyss gazes also into you."  
\- Friedrich Nietzsche

***

The young man's mind drifted through a haze of boredom as the stinging sound of flesh being torn met his ears. The "victim" didn't really care about the feeling of marks marring his fair skin. Truthfully the whole thing had been voluntary on his part. Had he not felt some form of guilt for harming his family, there was very little Miluki could do to make him submit. 

Of course, he found it hard to take his punishment seriously. He had known entire realms of pain far worse. In all honesty he was doing a better job mentally punishing himself. He knew he had done the right thing when leaving the Hunter exam early. Even if his friends forgot who he was, Killua never did. On more than one occasion the assassin had felt the extreme urge to kill, had even acted on some of those urges. 

Normally, the silver haired boy wouldn't have thought twice about his feminine older brothers words, but it had already happened. Whether Gon realized it or not, the blue eyed boy he took as a friend, had already once tried to kill him. What would happen the next time he felt frustrated? The best way to keep everyone from being mauled, was to keep the bear away from poking fingers.

His brothers "punishment" was proving to be nothing more than an annoyance. The whip hitting his skin felt like little more than a baby's kick to his well conditioned body. Figuring that Miluki wasn't going to let up anytime soon, and not really having anything interesting to keep him occupied, Killua decided now would be a good time to catch up on some much needed sleep.

*** 

Spinning slowly in time to the sounds of dripping water, a young boy floated in the darkness. His fragile body glowed with an ethereal light that gave the illusion of life where none yet was. Lungs took no air, heart pumped no blood, lashes blanketed pale cheeks as hair swayed in time to the spinning, counting down to something. A something of such import, fate bowed in awe of it.

Killua reached forth his hand in an attempt to touch this otherworldly being, shocked when the lifeless figure began drifting away. Somehow the former assassin knew it was essential that he reach the boy, but the faster he ran, the farther away his target became. His lungs ached from lack of breath, every muscle in his body telling him to stop, until he finally obeyed. With a defeated sigh he sank to his knees.

Vaguely, through the haze of loss, he sensed the arms that were wrapping around his heaving chest. Soothingly, a voice like a child’s whispered in his ear as he stared into nothingness.

"That one isn't ready to be born yet. You must wait for me." Those arms released Killua as a man with the visage of an angel moved to kneel before him. From his now free left hand a red chain extended, trailing off to where that young boy had disappeared. 

Killua stared in awe of the handsome being before him. Long hair tumbled across planes of tanned skin, slightly obscuring gentle features. Only one eye was visible through the dark veil, leaving a sense of mystery about him. His slender body was shrouded by the folds of a beautiful white robe, dipping low in the back to allow for shining silver wings. The man would have been a vision of perfection if not for the trails of crimson blood flowing from soft feathers. Drops dangled from their delicate tips before falling, creating white ripples in the darkness. 

The young assassin reached out to grab a drop before it joined the others on the floor. It was a curious substance that was all too familiar to him. Starting bright red then turning darker and becoming sticky as it congealed. Many times it had stained his hands, but this time it felt more significant. As if the result of this was something far worse than death, and a good bit more painful.

"Why are you bleeding?" Killua’s voice echoed eerily.

Leaning forward, the angel held the boys hands. Slowly he turned them over revealing blood, coating fingers, pooling in palms and under fingernails. Signs undeniable of his guilt.

"You clipped my wings, Killua." Gentle eyes stared down at him. Moving to grab Killua’s wrists he gently placed the boys hands on his chest smiling brightly. "Only you can heal me. Let me fly, and I'll take you with me" 

"hE iS oURs! YoU cANnoT TAkE hIM fROM uS!" Parts of the blackness began oozing to life, bits tangling in and out of each other slowly beginning to take form. Its skin was thick like tar, moving and slithering, never stopping. Long streams of drool dripped from its lupine mouth making jagged fangs gleam like knives. Small glowing yellow eyes sunk into its head, and long arms reached out, constantly changing, from hands to claws to tentacles. 

Killua stared at the thing in utter revulsion, yet he could not bring himself to hate it. It was a monster, and in ways he was one himself. Looking down to see the bloodstains on his hands the assassin was shocked to see the same black substance clawing its way out of his skin, climbing up his arms to cover his body. Desperately, he struggled, doing everything to rid himself of the terrible darkness leaking out of him, surrounding him. 

"tHAt' S RiGHt! he'S ONe oF US!" The creature opened its horrible mouth, chains shooting out to wrap around Killua like a cocoon. He fought, tearing at his binds, but only his arms broke free. Red tears streamed down his cheeks contrasting with his pale face and the creature clutching his skin. His hands reached from the darkness, desperately grabbing for any chance of escape. 

"HELP ME!" Words echoed, the hollow sound carrying through the room. 

A look of utter helplessness crossed his features as his final hope looked on with tear filled eyes shaking his head. 

"I cannot free you from that which binds you. Only you can free yourself from that cage." 

The blackness finally engulfed him. In a way it was comforting. Darkness was all Killua had ever known. Even as it smothered him, he curled up smiling in its familiarity, waiting for sleep to take him.

His eyes snapped open to polished walls with people lining them like statues. This place was unmistakable. Walls, floors, and ceiling shining despite the lack of lighting. Faces so familiar staring at him with their unseeing eyes. This was the final test of the Hunter exam, but something was off. The people looked as they had before, down to the last detail. They seemed human enough but none of them moved or breathed.

"You are an assassin. To you, they are merely another life to take. Show me what you have learned has not been lost. Now, before I grow impatient." Killua spun around to see Illumi casually approaching him, a disturbing grin stretched across his features. 

With all the showmanship of a great magician the feminine assassin reached behind his back, pulled out a needle, and began examining it as if it were a precious jewel. "Or perhaps you would rather I did it for you." With that Illumi threw the needle, piercing Hanzou through the heart. Immediately the ninja toppled to the floor, a pool of blood slowly forming. His eyes, already vacant, became more void in death. 

"WHY DID YOU KILL HIM?!" Killua stared in anger at his brother, glancing between him at the man lying on the floor.

"You didn't choose your prey. I had to kill him for you." Illumi then pulled out another needle preparing to throw.

"WAIT! I'LL CHOOSE!" Killua looked at the statuesque people lined up like a sick slaughter house. He didn't want to kill anymore. It had once been a form of comfort to him, but no more. He made his decision, and he had finally collected the courage to follow through with it.

"I'm waiting...

"FINE! I'LL KILL YOU THEN!" Claws extended as he launched himself. He would finally stand up to his demon.

"Now that's not very nice." With a grace that made it seem simple, Illumi grabbed his brother, flinging the boy painfully to the ground. Flicking his wrist to reveal another needle, Illumi began walking towards his brother, watching as the boy got to his feet. Determination shone in clear blue eyes as he stood before his enemy. 

"This will not do. We can't have family fighting now can we?" Illumi raised his arm, as he continued toward his sibling. Pressure filled the room rendering the younger of them immobile. 

Sweat flowed down Killua's face, his panic growing with every step the other man took. Mere inches away, his fellow assassin leaned down next to his ear to softly whisper, "Maybe I should re-educate you" before bending and flexing his hands to extend his nails into claws. Grabbing his brothers arm and forcibly turning him around to face the examinees, the long haired man walked off to the line of people marching back and forth. Stopping in front of Leorio, Illumi ran a razor sharp nail across the future doctors cheek.

"NO! LEAVE HIM ALONE!" Killua renewed the fight with his invisible bonds.

"Why? Is this man precious to you?" Illumi grasped the mans chin turning his head from side to side.

"He's my friend!" The boy continued struggling in vain. 

"He must not be much of one if you can't even come over here to save him. Ah well, I'll look for better prey." Once again Illumi started marching down the line stopping in front of Gon this time.

"No... you can't... not him... never him..." Tears began running down his cheeks as Killua’s entire body went numb. The only thing that brought light into the darkness of his life was there, sentenced to death, and he was helpless to do anything about it.

"Ah, I see I've found the one I'm looking for." Gon’s blank eyes stared ahead as Illumi ran two nails across each cheek, fascinated by the blood streaming down the boys face, seeming almost like tears. Hand then rearing back, the man plunged it forth, aimed at the child’s heart.

Time slowed. Something inside Killua’s mind clicked. The only thing that was precious to him in this world was about to die, and he was stuck watching. He didn't know when he had started moving again, nor did he care, all that mattered was making it in time to save the one good thing in his life. So as Killua finally bridged the distance between them he used the first solution that came to mind. He flung himself in front of Gon, taking on the blow. Blue eyes looked down at the hand running through his chest. He was going to die, but he didn't care. As long as Gon was safe he was happy.

"Why would you do this?" Illumi looked on with a puzzled expression as he removed his hand from his brothers chest.

"Because I had to." Killua then turned around to look at Gon.

Gone were the shining walls. His brother no longer stood before him. The gaping hole in his chest was no more. All that was there was the floating form from before and endless darkness. 

Curious, Killua reached out his hand, cupping it over the child’s pale cheek. Slowly the boy began to awaken, staring down at the one who had summoned him. The young assassin removed his hand receiving a slight look of disappointment. Reaching out the glowing figure grabbed the hand that had abandoned him. 

"Do not leave him, for that will be the demise of you both." The angel re-emerged from the shadows sending shimmering ripples, changing the surrounding blackness to pure white. "Once one has started down the path you have chosen, retreat can only bring madness."

Killua looked around, frightened by his surroundings. There was no place to hide in the light, no way to keep people from seeing what he really was. To go forward, as the angel had said, was the hardest thing to do. The path ahead was filled with unknown things, possibly too much for him to handle. How could he do this on his own?

The glowing boy, now holding Killua’s shoulder, gently squeezed. A dim sort of sadness shone in his eyes, quickly to disappear as he looked to the remaining figure in the room.

"You are not alone." The brown eyed angel turned to stare at the whiteness as three figures emerged. "We are ones who will help." Then slowly the angels features began to change molding the image of an older, more handsome, Gon. 

Slowly the tall angelic companion walked to Killua, hands outstretched, calling to him. He couldn't help but edge forward to meet his savior. The child assassin had known who his angel was from the moment his, dare he say it, friend had entered what qualified as a life for him. The urge to reach out and embrace the shining one was almost irresistible, but there was something more important, something that had to be learned. Knowing this Killua reached out his hand taking Gon’s left in his right.

With a light chuckle Gon gently grabbed Killua’s left hand and turned it over. "That's not the right one." Then delicately he placed their left hands together.

The seemingly insignificant gesture became all too important as his blue eyes gazed at their entwined fingers. Where once darkness had clawed at his flesh claiming him as it's own, a red chain came through leading off to where the glowing boy hovered just behind him.

"This is where it belongs. Come with me. You have much to learn and so little time."

Gon turned, leading Killua to where he had left the other figures. "These are the ones you must carry in your heart."

A smooth masculine voice echoed through the room. "I am the one who supports from afar, but is heard above the rest. We are not always with you but our words and hopes can always be heard. Our voice resounds above the darkness to call you back to the light." As he stepped forward sharp features became clear. Before Killua stood a tall man wearing a white suit, billowing trench coat dragging the ground behind him. A small pair of sunglasses slightly obscured his dark eyes. Short, well maintained hair spiked up in a contrastingly teenage style. There was no mistaking it. The overly dignified man before him was Leorio. 

Kneeling down the future doctor reached into his pocket removing a black chain, then holding it out to Killua. "We defend against those that would restrict you." Remaining on his knees, Leorio gently placed the chain in his friends hands.

There was a gentle tapping noise as the second figure stepped forward to join his companion. "I am the one who quietly aids. We are silent, but show our support through actions. Words of comfort are not our specialty. We prefer to offer assistance when needed." Bright blue eyes complimented his shimmering blonde hair. A simple white yukata adorned his thin, almost delicate body. The top hugged close enough to his chest to emphasize his masculinity, without deterring from his inherent beauty. As he stopped next to Leorio, the man kneeled into a full bow, legs tucked beneath him and face hovering over hands forming a triangle. 

Every dignified, yet infinitely calculated, movement spoke volumes of who this was. Kurapika bore the responsibility of showing not only his own pride, but his peoples as well, and it showed in everything he did. He leaned back on his heals reaching into the folds of his yukata, to produce a large black lock. Slowly he stood up, hands remaining extended, and walked to Killua. After placing the lock in the boys hands, Kurapika resumed his kneeling position next to Leorio as tears flowed from his eyes.

"I am the ones to come. We have not met and may never meet. Your life has to come to a crossroads. There is only one path to freedom from that which binds you." The third figure stepped forward. Deep blue eyes stared out from a face almost like a china doll. Long curly orange hair was tied into pigtails with lacey white ribbons. Everything about the person seemed childish, almost the same age as Killua. From her delicate, yet slightly chubby features, to the frilly white puff dress exposing large amounts of spindly legs, to the Mary Janes on her tiny feet. Her arms came out making her look almost like she was asking for a hug, but then her hands opened to expose two identical silver keys resting in her glove covered palms. " Very soon there will be a decision you must make that will change everything. Your decision will determine whether he will be born." Her head made a smooth gesture toward the boy just behind Killua still gently squeezing his shoulder. "It will also determine whether your chains will be unlocked." She then sat down next to Kurapika legs off to the side, keys clutched to her chest.

"If you do not choose the right path we will not exist." Gon swept his arm to indicate all people present as they slowly disappeared.

There was nothing left but the whiteness. It was blinding and frightening. They had left him all alone. Hadn't they said he wasn't alone. He tried to move, to touch where those people had been but his legs refused to work. Looking down he saw that chain, locked just over his chest, bound everything but his left arm. Tears streamed down his face at his utter helplessness, realizing that the chain refused to break. He wasn't welcome in the light, it felt he needed to be restrained in its presence to keep him from destroying everything. 

"You are welcome here." The glowing boy appeared from above floating down to land just in front of Killua. He reached out with one hand and gently wrapped his fingers around the lock. "We are welcome. I am not born, yet a part of me already is." 

For the first time Killua realized who that boy was. Those blue eyes, full of hope and love, had once been his. Shockingly white hair, soft silky and just curly enough to make it stick out at every angle imaginable. Skin so pale it had a faint tint of blue to it. This was himself, or who he was. No, it was who he wanted to be. Happy.

"You are right. I am what you will become, but you must make the right decision. When the one who brings us the most joy comes you must make the right decision." Smiling the Killua To Be let go of the lock and slowly turned both hands revealing the keys from before. Gently, he grabbed Killua’s free hand placing both keys there. "Now it is time. Remember the path to the light. I'll be waiting." Still smiling the glowing one blurred as his twin returned to reality.

***

*a while later on Greed Island*

Gon and Killua had just finished the first leg of their training with Biscuit. Together he and Gon had been through many trials. The innocent young hunter taught his friend many lessons about living. Before his life had revolved around death, but now each day was full of life. It had been a long and tiring journey, but he was finally on the right track to the life he wished to lead. 

In the distance, the sun was setting, painting the sky hues of red and purple. That wasn't what he was staring at though. The one who had made all he had accomplished possible, the only one who brought him this much joy, the one who led him to a life worth living. As Killua stared at Gon the dark haired boy turned, smiling fit to rival the sun. For a second the former assassin could have sworn he saw wings like shimmering silver spreading in the fading sunlight. In that moment a new Killua was finally born, knowing he had left his former life behind. His saviors wings were healed and ready to fly, and as he had promised he would take Killua along for the ride. He didn't know where those wings would take them next. What he did know was that the only place he belonged was with Gon.

**Author's Note:**

> This was originally published in 2005. I don't know how but I am still mildly proud of it. Hope you all enjoyed reading.


End file.
